Mention to just about anyone that you’re a proofreader and they’ll be on the edge of their sleep with excitement. That’s because many people regard an ability to ‘pick up missing commas and stuff’ as coma-inducingly dull or certifiable proof of OCD.
And whilst it’s true that proofreading, like any occupation, can certainly have its less than thrilling moments, it also provides endless opportunities to spot pure comic gold.
Wherever lies the written word, therein lies the possibility of unexpected hilarity, as the following selection of clangers from newsletters, CVs, advertising, reviews, insurance claims, medical records, signage, subtitles and more so brilliantly demonstrates.
Welcome to our world!
The curse of the extra letter
It only takes one extra letter to give a sentence a whole new meaning:
Please use thongs or tissue paper to select your pastry or roll.
All are welcome to attend. You’ll hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
I’m seeking a party-time position with potential for advancement.
The main bedroom features a large walking wardrobe.
House comes with aircon in bedrooms and ceiling fangs in living areas.
Keeping all food under wraps is the first step in ridding the house of aunts.
Hobbies: I enjoy cooking Chinese and Italians.
This property is a real germ!
It took many rabbits many years to write the Talmud.
Objective: A career on the information supper highway.
The curse of the missing letter
On the other hand, just one missing letter can have the same effect:
I will miss the friends I’ve made and the memories we’ve shared along with the teachers I have boned with over the years.
House comes with large poo for all the family to enjoy.
Liberal party divided over sex clams.
After today’s service coffee and donuts will be served in the basement. Come on down and say hell to the pastor.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Job duties: Filing, billing, printing and coping.
Violators will be towed and find $50.
I have many years’ experience in sock control.
One man was admitted to hospital suffering from buns.
French widow in every bedroom.
Please find attached my resume which highlights all my kills.
Blanch 6-8 minutes until beans start to soften, remove from saucepan into a big owl filled with ice-cold water.
If you think you may have genital wars or herpes, make sure to speak with a health professional.
Keep a packet of Krusteaz Buttermilk Batter in your panty for a quick waffle fix.
The curse of the wrong letter
Sometimes, there’s the right number of letters – just not necessarily the correct ones:
The lover level overlooks the unique bar area.
While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and then sent home.
Mr Jones is a defective in the police force.
Try our honey-mustard chicken diapers with dipping sauce.
Our delicious lemon poopy pound cake is just $2.59 a slice.
At this price, all serious incestors are invited to take a look.
Police in Hawick yesterday called off a search for a man who is believed to have frowned.
Achievements: Received a plague as salesperson of the year.
Help wanted for child care provider. Apply in person to Jack & Kill Childcare.
Skills: I am a rabid typist.
You’re sick. If you feel cold, put on a sweater, crap yourself in a blanket or turn up the heat, recommend the physicians.
For coping with unexpected guests, it’s always a good plan to keep a few tons of sardines in the house.
Ladies please! After using toilet make sure that you ash!
Later that same evening, after a vain search all around the village, Mary found the dog dead in the garden. She curried the body indoors.
Achievements: Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
Helpers needed now! Please put your name down on the information sheep.
Languages: I speak English and Spinach.
He had earned the admiration of his pears.
It only takes one extra letter to give a sentence a whole new meaning.